This is for all those people who have been always misunderstood; to the people who have constantly build themselves up, only to be kicked to the ground each time they managed to stand up and dream again; to the people, who constantly try to keep their fire alive.
I have given up; given up on life, love, dreams, hope and a better time. There comes a time when you just have to fuss it up and admit defeat. I am the kind of person who you could hurt a million times but I would still be there for you, because I believe that people can change. Everyone has goodness in them, they just need someone to believe in them, to help them see it and find it and to hold onto it for eternity. I still believe that. I no longer believe that for me anymore though.
I have given in to being the villain, to being the bad person, to being the person who just does not care anymore about anything. I have become numb and the deafening silence has become home. I need to stop believing that things can change, that people can change, that if you try your hardest and give it your best, what you want to happen will happen. Because it doesn’t and it won’t.
This is my journey into the darkness, because the light is just not reliable. It comes and goes, but darkness, now that is something that always stays with you no matter what. Why are we always trying so hard to fight the darkness off? Why do we think darkness is such a bad thing? I have come to realize it is absolute bliss. You don’t feel anything, you have no expectations, no dreams, no hopes, hence no worries. Could there be anything more wonderful than that really?
I am tired of trying to make people understand the reasons behind my actions, the silent intentions of good will. Hate is an easier thing than love. Love, that needs effort – lots of efforts. Hate is so simple and easy. Just hate everything and everyone. I am tired of the light, the love and all the efforts it requires. I know that whoever is reading this probably thinks that I am a lazy bitch. You may think whatever you want; I no longer give a fuck.
Solitude is easy. Living in a world in your head is easy. Going through life and being unaffected by everything that is happening around you is easy. I get so worked up about climate change, mass extinction, genocide and war in the Middle East, the religions being divided, but what for, really? How can mere little me change anything in the world, when I cannot even get what I want? What a silly little hypocrite I am.
I am so shattered and battered right now, I can’t even feel the pain from the bruises I have inflicted upon myself. I am tired of doing things and wishing others well in silence. What is the use of being a good person or praying for others or trying to make people see the truth? Why should I be bothered? Why do I need to look to others to become better, wiser, happier people?
I am done. I give up. I surrender. I admit defeat.
Now shoot me and take me out of my misery.